A definitive list of foods to wake up and not wake up

Announcing changes to the school lunch program, David Seymour said children would no longer be served “woke” meals. To clear up any confusion, The Spinoff has compiled a guide to the awakening levels of some common foods.

Apple = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Avocado = WOKE UP

Avocado, mashed = EVEN WORKING

Banana = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Baked beans = NOT WAKE UP

Beans, unbaked = WAKE UP

Hamburger = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Cheese, colby, edam, soft, tasty = DID NOT WAKE UP

Cheese, other = AWAKE

Cheese roll = NOT WAKE UP

Chickpeas = WAKE UP

French fries, hot = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Chips, package (salty preparations, salt and vinegar or chicken flavor) = NOT WOKE

Chips, packet (all other flavors) = AWAKE

Chocolate, Whittaker’s Miraka Kirīmi = WAKE UP

Chocolate, other = NOT WAKE UP

Couscous = WOKE UP

Crackers, rice, “specialty”, seedless = WAKE UP

Cookies, Snax, Saltine, Meal Mates = NOT WAKE UP

Curry = WOKE UP

Donut, cream = NOT WAKE UP

Hot dog, abused = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Hummus = WAKE UP

Jerky, beef = NOT WAKE UP

Plant-Based Beef Jerky = SURPRISING DON’T WAKE UP

Lamb = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Lentils = WAKE UP

Lettuce, iceberg = NOT WAKE UP

Lettuce, fantasy, mesclun, cos = AWAKE

Lunch sausage = NOT WAKE UP

Meat = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Meat wrapped in meat = EVEN MORE DIDN’T WAKE UP

Cow’s milk = NOT WAKE UP

Milk, soy, oats, almonds, etc = WAKE UP

Muffin = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Nut butter, no peanuts = WAKE UP

Pasta, canned (spaghetti) = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Pasta, real (spaghetti) = AWAKE

Peanut butter, crunchy = WAKE UP

Peanut butter, smooth = NO WAKE UP

Pesto, basil = WAKE UP

Pesto, basil, wrapped in at least two types of meat = DID NOT WAKE UP

Foot = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Pizza, $3.99 from Pizza Hut = I DIDN’T WAKE UP

Pizza with spaghetti = NOT WAKE UP

Pizza, other = AWAKE

Quinoa, pronounced Keen-wah = WAKE UP

Quinoa, pronounced kwin-oh-ah = WAKE UP, but somehow not so much

Sandwich, butter and mayonnaise only, no other spreads allowed = NO WAKE

Salad, word (draft curriculum) = WAKE UP

Sausage, on white bread = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Sausage Roll = NOT WAKE UP

Bun, cheese = NOT WAKE UP

Shaved ham = NOT WAKE UP

Spice, everything = WAKE UP

Sushi = AWAKE

Toast, with spread not woken up = NOT WOKE UP

Toffee Pops = DIDN’T WAKE UP

Tofu = WOKE UP

Wrap (woke sandwich alternative) = WAKE UP

Yogurt, Greek = AWAKE

To determine the awakening level of any food not on the list, ask yourself the following:

• Was it available in a cafe in Mosgiel around 1981? either;
• Have you been photographed being eaten by a Finance Minister before presenting the budget?

If the answer to both questions is no, the food wakes up.

Here is another simple formula to follow:

• food from a non-white culture that doesn’t speak English = WOKE UP
• food from a white culture that does not speak English = SUSPICIOUS
• food from a white, English-speaking culture = DIDN’T WAKE UP